The Land of Make-Believe

Happy days! The new lines of the RTD Light Rail have opened!

This past weekend service along the lines was free! People lined-up to climb aboard the trains to be whisked away to such exoctic locals as: Park Meadows Mall! Dave & Buster's at The Colorado Center! And Aurora...
Well. Anyway, the new lines are considered the next step toward providing Coloradans freedom from driving everywhere they go.
As a 'Welcome' to the good people of Highlands Ranch, Centennial and, well Aurora, to Light Rail, I've provided a little guide to make your weekend night downtown without the kids as wonderful as it should be.
First, prepare for anxiety. Unless you are well-prepared, there's going to be some panic setting in as you try to force the ticket machine to accept your wrinkled dollar bills. The machine will take the bill about 1/2 way before spitting it out as you look over your shoulder and notice the next train is approaching. If you get the machine to accept your bill, you now need to deal with a bevy of on-screen instructions as RTD attempts to charge you correctly - how many tickets? how many 'zones' will you be traveling to? Is this express? Perhaps it's off-peak? Is this one-way or round trip? Invariably you'll never know the proper answers. 'Cancel' the transaction and get on the train before it departs without you. Let it leave all the people who are now lined up at the ticket kiosk behind you. Reassure yourself you'll get a round trip ticket on the return trip - karma baby!
Now that you're officially a Light Rail fugitive go ahead and agonize that a Ticket Checker Guy will walk through checking for tickets. Now, over the 30+ times I've ridden the rail this has only happened once. Fortunately I had managed to navigate the ticket machine in time to catch my ride - unfortunately, the friends I met at the station neglected to purchase tickets. This made for an awkward exchange between the Ticket Checker Guy and my friends but provided me with a criticsm to hold over their heads. Sadly, I no longer keep company with these friends and don't get to humiliate them any longer.
During your travels, you may wonder if it's odd that the traffic on the highway is moving faster than the train. Folks, this isn't the bullet-train, this is Light Rail. Please hold on as the train arrives at a station where nobody will get on and nobody will get off - and yes, the traffic on the highway will keep going. Don't you love public transportation?
If you should survive the initial journey on the Light Rail, the next adventure is on the return trip. Guess what? When you're stumbling drunk in Denver and want to get home, the train is never going to show up. Well, it might show up, but not when your ass is ready to leave. Nope, now you get to stand around the station and wait. You'll notice the stations in Denver seem to have a bit more 'flavor' than the stations in suburbia where you began. Don't worry, you won't be killed - this isn't New York, this is Denver. You know this because it smells like puke and not like urine. The worst thing that'll happen to you here is: you'll buy a burrito from Nancy's and surrender your change to some 'homeless' kids.
Once the rail arrives, for whatever reason, they don't depart when you think they should. A logical person would expect the train to leave as soon as the people waiting at the station have safely boarded. Well, that person would not be a good candidate-for-hire at RTD. Instead, prepare to bask in the bright yellow glow of the overhead lighting system as the doors intermittently open and close to let stragglers on. To kill the time you might consider studying the map of the Light Rail lines; though the half-dozen stops in the system probably won't occupy much of your time. Perhaps the poster advertising a cultural event from two seasons ago will encourage you to make time for the event next year?
Eventually, the train will leave. And that's when you hope your night will come to a close... but wait! You may run into a situation where there's some construction on the line! Your train may stop and all of its passengers will transfer to buses to take them to a train at another station to continue the journey! It's 'Planes, Trains and Automobiles' at 2am, and yes, this has happened to me. Or maybe there'll be an accident on the tracks and now you'll get to sit on the train between stations for an indeterminable amount of time? Yes, this has happened to me too.
Sooner or later - oh hell, later - you will make it back home. You'll lay your cranky 'where'd-I-leave-my-buzz?' head on your pillow and swear you'll never ride the Light Rail again. Tell yourself next time you'll pay the ten bucks to park downtown, and you'll stay sober enough to drive home.
But you won't. Nope, you'll want to 'do the right thing' and 'save the environment' and 'feel like you live in a Big City' and tell all your friends that you'll meet them downtown because you're taking the Light Rail.
Well, after you've done the right thing and your friends have paid the ten bucks to park downtown and stayed sober enough to drive... be sure to ask them for a ride home.
See ya on the Rail!